Letting Go
by Leasel P
Summary: Pre-series, set in Bahrain. My take on what went down in Bahrain, how Coulson and May dealt with it, and how it changed their relationship forever.


**Letting Go**

Okay so this is my little Bahrain story. I found this so hard to write! We don't know much about what happened there and I found even what we have been told quite confusing. In saying that, I tried to write what might of happened and how Coulson and May dealt with it, including how they went from being, in my opinion, lovers to having no relationship before the first episode.

To avoid any confusion, the mention of Hawaii and the engraved stones are references from other May/Coulson stories of mine. Also, the italic writing is flashbacks.

I have a much happier story coming, which I will try and post before the weekend.

Enjoy :)

* * *

Coulson was desperate to get out of here. It was 11pm and he had been cooped up in this makeshift S.H.I.E.L.D office for hours; ever since their mission had gone south. He just wanted to get to May and make sure she was okay. The look on her face when she walked out of that building had disturbed him. She was bruised and battered, which was not uncommon for them, but her face was emotionless and when he looked into her eyes they were empty; devoid of all the warmth he usually saw in there. He'd gone straight to her, waving the medics over, asking if she was okay. She'd shaken her head and brushed him off. Told him the medics were needed in the building and had disappeared into the crowd.

Coulson sighed as he began what felt like the hundredth form of the night. He knew this was all protocol, especially with the loss of life they had experienced, but he wasn't focusing tonight and it was taking him forever.

He rubbed his hands over his aching neck before resting his face in his hands.

* * *

_Agent Carter had called him into the building. Until then Coulson had been doing damage control outside. A small crowd had gathered when S.H.I.E.L.D first arrived earlier that day but when gunshots rung through the building the crowd had rapidly expanded. His heart had stopped when he heard the first shot. They didn't know what type of weapons or how many they had in there and he didn't like sending May in blind. He stood outside the building with the rest of S.H.I.E.L.D feeling completely and utterly useless._

_Walking up the stairs to the buildings first floor, nothing could have prepared him for what he saw._

"_This is a blood bath Coulson."_

"_How many survived sir?" He looked around the room at the familiar faces lying empty on the floor, blood pooling everywhere._

"_Johnson and Marks were alive when we entered, but just barely, it'll be touch and go. It looks like the bastards started executing hostages._

"_How did this happen? How did we let this happen?!"_

"_We couldn't go in until May had taken out the two snipers and even then they had the third gunman by the window." Agent Carter pointed to the far corner where a sniper rifle was setup, aimed directly at the front entrance._

"_That's not all." Agent Carter said as he motioned for Coulson to follow him. He led him across the room and into a small room off the main one. It was a mess; there was furniture just behind the door, presumably used for a barricade, and the room looked like it had been tossed. Draws were scattered everywhere and cupboards were open with their contents thrown on the floor._

"_What happened-" Coulson was cut short when he saw the young girl lying on the floor, covered in blood and clutching Mays jacket._

* * *

Pushing back from his desk Coulson decided enough was enough. The paper work would still be there in the morning and by then his mind would be at ease about May. Grabbing his coat he quickly exited and was outside May's door within 10 minutes. He let himself in after receiving no answer from knocking. He found her passed out on the bed, cradling a bottle of god only knows what in her arms. Sighing, he sat down beside her. She was still fully dressed, blood stained her face and hair, and he could see some nasty bruises starting to form on her pale skin. Brushing the hair off her face, he removed the bottle of alcohol and pulled the sheets over her. Stripping out of his suit, he made sure to turn the bathroom light on before crawling in to bed beside her. It was going to be a rough night.

Coulson was awoken by the sound of the bathroom door slamming. Checking the time, he rubbed his face realising he had been asleep for about 2hours. Pulling the covers back, he followed May into the bathroom, grabbing a bottle of water on the way. She was sitting on the floor, slumped over the toilet. Wetting a towel, he waited until she had finished before handing her the water, moving to sit behind her and pulling her back into his chest. He held the cold towel against her forehead as she relaxed into his embrace.

Coulson remained quite, sure that when she was ready to talk she would. They stayed like that for a while, only moving when May felt the need to be sick again. On the third time, Coulson rewet the cloth before taking his place behind her once more.

"Did you hear anything more about Johnson and Marks?" She said, turning her head slightly to face him. Coulson nodded.

"Marks didn't make it. Johnson looks as if he might pull through though."

"But?"

"It's doubtful he will get full function in his legs again." May nodded as she closed her eyes and clenched her jaw. She fought off another round of nausea while Coulson tightened his hold on her, his lips resting on her forehead.

"What happened in there Mel?"

She shook her head and looked at him, the pain evident in her eyes.

"I saw the girl." He said softly.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You did everything you could."

"I said I don't want to talk about it"

"There's nothing more you could have done."

"Phil please" May begged, a stray tear running down her cheek. "Stop, just stop."

"Okay. Come on, lets get back to bed" Helping her up, he picked up his old training shirt, left there the previous night, as he followed her back into the bedroom. He watched as she carefully and painful began to remove her clothing, her pale skin covered in black and blue bruises. He hated this. They had been working together for 15 years and he had never seen her look so broken, nor had he ever felt so helpless around her. Watching as she pulled her tank over her head, he noticed the wound in her side.

"You got shot Mel."

"Flesh wound. I cleaned it." She said bluntly as she took the shirt from Coulson and pulled it on before climbing into bed. He was happy to see her move straight to the middle instead of keeping to her side. He slipped in next to her, pulling her close. May rested her head on his heart while he intertwined his fingers with hers.

"She was so scared." May whispered, the sound of Coulsons heartbeat calming her; his hand rubbed circles on her back. He didn't want to speak for fear she would stop talking.

"I tried to reassure her but she couldn't speak English." Coulson felt a tear drop onto his chest.

"She had you with her." He said as he kissed the top of her head.

"No she didn't, she died alone." May chocked out. "She was 6 Phil. I left a 6 year old to die alone of a gunshot wound because I thought I could eliminate the threat alone in time."

"You did."

May shook her head. "No I didn't, and she died because of it. I promised her it would be okay, and then I left her alone. How could I have done that?"

"Melinda, tell me what happened in there." Coulson basically begged. He couldn't help her if he didn't know what went down. The room he had seen was a good indicator that everything had gone to hell pretty fast.

"He said it was S.H.I.E. fault, we bring death wherever we go. He said S.H.I.E.L.D killed the girl." May continued to whisper, as if saying it any louder would cause her to break.

"You know that's not true." Coulson didn't know who she was referring to but thought it was best to leave it for the time been.

"Isn't it? Think of all the people we have lost over the years Phil. Not just S.H.I.E.L.D agents but innocent people caught in the crossfire. Innocent children." He felt her try to move away from him but he tightened his grip.

"That girls death was not your fault Melinda. You need to let her go." He felt more tears drop onto his chest. Cupping her cheek, he tilted her face up to his. The pain and torment he saw in her eyes was more than he could handle.

"Let the girl go Melinda." He whispered as he wiped away her remaining tears. She nodded, never breaking eye contact. Slowly caressing his face, she placed a soft kiss on his lips before resting her head back down above his heart. She wrapped her arms around him so tight, clinging to him as her anchor. She felt Coulson pull her close, his hand still rubbing circles on her back.

When May woke again the sun was starting to make its way through the curtains. She looked up at the man sharing her bed and gave a small smiled. What she felt for him scared the hell out of her. The way one look from him got her heart racing was something she had never experienced before, and doubted she would ever have again. She wanted more than anything to run away with him to Hawaii, but as she slowly extracted herself from his embrace she knew she never could. She needed to be alone, and he deserved better than that.

Pulling out a pen and paper she quickly wrote him a note before grabbing her gear and leaving. She had two weeks off to think, and she needed to go somewhere she couldn't be found.

* * *

_May grabbed the little girl, dragging her into the next room and behind an overturned bookcase. Running back to the door, she attempted to barricade them in with the broken furniture around the room. _

_The young girls cries began to get louder. May made her way back to her, pulling off her jacket and pressing it to the girl's abdomen. A stray bullet meant for May had hit the girl as she tried to run for the door. May had gone for her as soon as she collapsed on the floor, yelling for the other agents to cover her. She could see Marks quickly making his way behind the Bahraini's. Praying that he got to them before they realised what he was doing, May had grabbed the girl and fled to the nearest room._

"_What's your name sweetheart?" May asked as she continued placing pressure on the wound. May saw the amount of blood seeping through the jacket and onto the floor. The girl needed immediate medical attention. When she didn't answer May looked at her, her eyes glazing over, tears still streaming down her face._

_May put a hand on her chest. "Melinda" she said with a small smile._

_The girl mimicked her actions, "Esraa" she whispered. _

"_Hi Esraa." May said with what she was hoping was a reassuring smile. "It's going to be alright, I'm going to get you out of here okay? Just be strong and hold on." May grabbed the girls hands and put them over her wound. She needed to find a way out of here and she needed a weapon. She could hear fighting going on in the other room as she quickly began to search for anything to use to protect the girl. She stopped when they began trying to kick the door down. Time was up. Going back over to the girl she felt how weak her pulse had become._

"_I have to go and stop them from coming in. There is no other way out of here; they are blocking the only way I can get you out and to the medics. Keep applying pressure and I'll be back. Just hold on okay." Esraa grabbed her hand as she went to stand. May could see how terrified she was and she knew she couldn't understand a word of what she was saying._

_May cupped her face and looked into her eyes. "I will be back, I promise." Kissing the top of her head, May went and stood by the door._

_When they broke through she was ready. She took them out with her bare hands, pushing them back out into the main room and shutting the door behind her. She knew she was on her own and her team was down but she was determined to get back to Esraa. She took a beating but she did manage to neutralise the threat. That's when she felt the gun being pushed into the back of her head._

"_Don't move." The accent was heavy. May began to quickly weight up her options._

"_Who are you?"_

"_Shouldn't you know? You're all here for me."_

_May closed her eyes as grief flooded over her. "You're Ivan. _

"_Yes."_

"_Why did you do this? We weren't here to hurt you! We just came to greet you; to thank you for everything you have done for these people!"_

"_That's not how S.H.I.E.L.D operates. My people let me in on that little secret before you arrived."_

"_You made them kill innocent people." May felt him grab her hair and yank her head back._

"_I didn't make them do anything, I didn't even have to ask. They love me; they did it to protect me. And now I'm going to kill you, then I'll kill that gorgeous little girl you are trying so hard to protect and then I'm going-"_

_May heard the shot ring out. It was all she needed to break free of his hold. Looking over she saw Marks lying on the ground firing one of the Bahraini guns. She watched as the man who had caused all this devastation fell to the ground before rushing over to Marks to assess his state._

"_Get back to Esraa." He chocked out, "We'll be fine. Just get her to the medics."_

_She quickly made her way back into the room, every bone in her body aching at the speed of her movements. Coming around to the back of the bookcase she stoped._

"_No! No, no, no, no. Esraa, hey, come on." She knelt beside the girl, pressing on her wound and trying to find a pulse. _

"_**Please.**__" She begged, tears forming in her eyes. _

_May couldn't breath as she sat back and stared at the young girl before her, the girl she had promised she would be back for, the girl she had told everything would be okay. The young girl who had gotten caught up in a mess that had nothing to do with her and had died as a result. The young girl __**she**__ had left to die alone because she believed she could fight her way out of here fast enough to save her. _

_May brushed the hair off Esraa's face, "I'm sorry" she whispered, "I'm so so sorry."_

* * *

When Coulson awoke he wasn't completely surprised to find the space next to him empty. He opened the piece of paper resting on her pillow.

_I'm sorry._

Crumpling the paper up, he angrily threw it across the room. May was highly independent and he knew she would want to be working through this alone but he really had hoped she would let him in this time.

He found out later that day May had requested immediate leave and booked a one-way ticket straight to China.

It was a month later, when Coulson was out on a mission, that he heard a rumour Melinda May had requested a transfer to administration. It was another month before he was back in the USA and could see it for himself.

He stood at the back of the room and watched the great Melinda May typing away in a booth. He wanted to go to her and shake her until she came to her senses but he knew it wasn't his place. She had made up her mind and had made it clear to him she wanted to leave her past behind her, including their time together. He waited until she stood and made her way to what he assumed was the copy room before he quickly went to her desk. He smiled when he saw the engraved stone he gave her so many years ago sitting proudly on her desk. She was still holding on to a piece of them. Not wanting to get caught, Coulson reached into his pocket and pulled out an almost identical stone. Placing it next to hers he took one last look around before exiting. If this is what May had chosen for herself then he wasn't going to interfere, even if it broke his heart knowing that this was never something she could be happy with.

May returned a few minutes later but it wasn't until she was packing up for the day that she noticed the additional stone on her desk. Running her fingers over the engraving she looked around the office. She knew he must have left it hours ago but a small part of her wanted him to walk over to her smiling, asking where she wanted to go for dinner. Shaking her head she picked up both stones.

Patience and Forgiveness.

May knew what he was trying to say to her but she didn't want forgiveness. How could anyone forgive her if she couldn't forgive herself? Throwing the stones into a draw and grabbed her coat and headed home.

This was her life now.


End file.
